Big C and Little Me
What is Big C Little Me all about?
Well I don’t really know! I am evolving and changing and this website will mirror that process. It offers no advice or solutions and it isn’t documentation, of my treatment.
Big C Little Me is about everything and nothing. when you have cancer you spend endless hours waiting . Waiting for tests, waiting for results , waiting for news , waiting for treatment. And then waiting for the results of treatment . Worse is no treatment or when treatment ends and you are cut adrift.i
While I am waiting my mind wanders, thoughts intrude and I always wonder what is everyone else thinking ? Do they think the same as me?
I have a wicked sense of humour , its dry and dark and often I am struck by the bizarre and sometimes humorous aspects of life on this endless cancer treadmill. But humour is not an emotion readily available , and sometimes it is received with discomfort by others. But sometimes life becomes so bizarre all you can do is smile !
I feel at times like I have no control over my life and Cancer has invaded not only my body but every aspect of my life. But, I won’t give up my humour.
Big C Little Me is just where I share my own thoughts, feelings and insights about living a suddenly unchartered life. I didn’t have an exact map but what was my “norm” has gone and the new “norm“ is constantly changing. Maybe others have the same thoughts?
I think almost everyone fears cancer , the ”Big C ”. We are all familiar with the imagery of bald heads, bandanas and beanies and movies where frequently the person with cancer has some epiphany and almost skips into the afterlife!
if you have come to this page then you know that there’s generally no skipping!
I have struggled since my cancer diagnosis to act like I thought a patient with cancer should; with dignity and decorum and a stiff upper lip .
I’ve read all the brochures (and there are hundreds) listened to endless stories and advice” And when asked how I am, I say fine because no one really wants to know if you are miserable.
But sometimes I am sad, sometimes I am mad , sometimes I just want to scream.
But here is where I can be anyone and anything and I hope so we can evolve together.
Why should you follow Big C Little Me?
Why follow Big C Little Me? Well why not? You are going to be doing a lot of waiting! If you have cancer or youre supporting someone with cancer you will be familiar with waiting. Waiting for tests, waiting for test results, waiting for treatments and specialist appointments.
Following Big C Little Me might at least fill in some time and maybe it will make you smile .All my life I have been told I am funny and I love to make people laugh where I can.
But the Big C is humbling and where once I felt big, as in valued and respected for my experience and skill now at times I feel small.
I think about where I was and where I am and desperately try not to think about where I might be going.
This blog is a result of eighteen months of my mind wandering whilst waiting. Questions I had and still have, fears and doubts about my future and the search for a purpose in new and unfamiliar territory.
Sometimes I wonder if others struggle too as they try to come to grips with meditation, mindfulness yoga and art therapy in the pursuit of positive energy?
With Big C Little Me I aim to be open and honest and bring moments of relief or a least a smile to others. Maybe it will be enough to know it’s ok to be sad, mad, confused, bemused and entirely over it! And you are not alone.
It’s ok to laugh whenever you can or at whatever situation makes you smile.
Who am I?
I am a person in “progress” .Changing, and evolving in a tangled web of directions, and trying to survive an uncertain future.
Three little words “you have cancer” and my life completely changed and now I need to explore a “new way of being”.
Previously known for a lack of all things “self-care”, I am trying to navigate an alternative me in a world I don’t recognise.
I have gone from being a nurse to being nursed! Not a role I have accepted with enthusiasm!
Thankfully I‘ve had my humour when facing the bizarre, ironic and downright madness that comes with cancer.
It’s‘ this I want to share.
What is a “new way of being” ? I don’t really know, I was happy with the, old me but that cannot be ! So onward.